(s)Mothered

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best of

my mom

the best

of me

 

i hid

that

from 

her

 

it’s what

she

denied

i denied her

 

blazing

a trail

no one

would see

 

I

hid

my boots

at the shop

 

like she hid

all her light

under a series

of bushels

 

disjointed x3

disconnected

disarmed

disappointed

 

23 years

and i never

knew

who she was

 

only the

stories

i made up

the stories

i pieced together

 

legacy of

pain

legacy of

distortion

 

her best

was sharing

a cigarette

with me

 

her worst

too many

to count

criminal

 

bridging

the gaps

mining

the diamonds

 

another 

25 years

to clearly

see me

 

alone

alive

another

ace up my sleeve

 

mothering my mother

mothering my self

mothering my son

redefining the Mother

 

being

just being

fogging up

the mirror

 

an old

message of love

stares me down

i. am.

 

11/11/13

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not me

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harder

and even

more

difficult

 

the hiding

the lying

the acting

as if

 

i see 

your secrets

i feel

your lies

 

the price

paid

was my 

innocence

 

now allows

me to

see your 

humanity

 

but that’s

alright

keep distracting

yourself

 

i know

distraction

all

too well

 

i’ve been the

master,

the queen

no one wins

 

i will not

keep your

secret

any longer

 

makes me

fat

and tired

and mean.

 

that’s not me.

a fevered pitch

Image

 

managing

to keep

it all

the same

 

no

don’t change

no

don’t look

 

don’t look

at this

don’t look

at that

 

diamonds

in the

rough

i’m certain

 

senseless

beauty

senseless

abuse

 

doctoring

coping

screaming

on the inside

 

shows up

on the 

outside

disgracing the pact

 

going back

coming

forward,

stuck.

 

conscious 

decisions

to delete this

permanent hell

 

feeling fear

deeper

than ever

relief in sight

 

make friends

with it

gonna be around

for a while

 

11/7/13

a new TILT

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rousing your love

sounds below the low

loosening the knot

of who i’ve been

 

zero in on a vibration

i’ve been here before

and yet, it’s a whole

new perspective

 

driving away the rain

holding back the wind

breath free and roaring

frozen in the storm

 

narrowly escaping

silence of the stillness

a path enblazened ahead

warmed by the journey

 

9/23/10

i see.

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the deafening sounds

you keep in

deserts deep and dry

engorged in the pretend silence

whispering in my ears

 

screaming with your eyes

lakes around the world

dry up and ache for you

cracked earth reminds 

me of my heart

 

you’ve hidden it all so well

in a pocket here

trapped in a muscle there

insane

from the rage

 

roaring in pain

relinquishing control

it all stands

quietly

in the corner of my eye

 

9/23/10

seasonal love affliction

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now and never again

winter is upon us

meadows wearing down

 

the drab hangs there

waiting for full disclosure

never disappointed by the ride

 

bring it all in

don’t leave even one to freeze

your boots are full of holes

 

the road is angling back

newest technology used

you’re never lost in this world

 

sunshine brings it all home

blasts thru any remaining ice.

revel in its long rays

 

9/23/10

fishtank

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making sense

of the senseless

my stomach

hurts

 

your charm

your machismo

your cool

hurts my stomach

 

you see

i’ve been here

in the fishtank

of life

 

it’s the air

i used to breathe

the smiles

the promises

 

now i watch

others in it

torn, dazed,

shredded

 

more disconnect

from you

MORE LIGHT

FROM ME