fishtank

Image

 

 

making sense

of the senseless

my stomach

hurts

 

your charm

your machismo

your cool

hurts my stomach

 

you see

i’ve been here

in the fishtank

of life

 

it’s the air

i used to breathe

the smiles

the promises

 

now i watch

others in it

torn, dazed,

shredded

 

more disconnect

from you

MORE LIGHT

FROM ME

 

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crabby-pants

Image

do these jeans

make me

look

crabby?

 

is it my

hair

or my lack

of smile

 

SMILE.

you should

smile

-really-

 

“people don’t

want to

see your

sad face”

 

if i smile

does it

make you

feel better

 

do i

make

you

feel

 

is it just

easier

for you

to blame me

 

pin it

on me

pick

on me

 

to call

me

a

dog

 

treat

me

like a

dog

 

yep

i’ve felt

crabby

in my life

 

game plan:

ditch

the

passive-aggressive bs

 

 

plugged

Image

 

dollars and sense

cented candles

you know what

i mean

 

your attention

is needed

at the

checkout counter

 

the aroma

at the antique store

it makes me

dissociate

 

the sounds

of the machines

at the gym

i dissociate

 

cat-called

walking down

the street

dissociated

 

something

rips, tears

screeches to

a halt

 

this reality

this seeming

life of mine

it’s largely a lie

 

not all….there are

places i connect

and am truly

plugged all the way in

 

it’s challenging

i’ve been challenged

dared to remember

terrified to speak

 

i’m aging

i’m carrying

a past

i cannot remember

 

weighted down

buried deep

staying in

side stepping

 

8/20/13

gift to me

Image

 

numerous

conclusions

spin me

round & round

 

following the 

open doors

mistakenly

entering each one

 

just because

a door is open

doesn’t mean

an automatic welcome

 

maybe some

locks are

meant to 

be picked

 

some doors

require

battering 

rams

 

there are 

no wrong

options

here

 

it’s all 

some sort

of game

this cannot be real

 

different dimensions

of me exist now

why not in a 

larger sense

 

i’ve been

so many ways

and things

none matters much

 

delirious social butterfly

depressed housewife

successful entrepreneur

fundraiser & taskmaster

 

so what.

and now

silence

calls my name

 

glorious.

ever-growing.

always a gift,

the truth of me

 

8/20/13

 

guard rails

Image

 

oh my god

hold on!!

what a ride

nothing to hold on to

 

screeching down 

the highway of life

what’s to stop me

oh….how about everything

 

everything stops me

oh wait……..

nothing stops me

nothing at all

 

nothing to fence me in,

nothing to give me 

boundaries

or limits

 

i have

really let

myself go

in all ways

 

no guard and

guards all around

so much that my

view is obscured

 

 

can’t see at all

so busy driving along

at breakneck speeds

all is lost at times

 

all or nothing

win or lose

nothing at all

hands free

 

 

 

the lie

Image

 

the resistance

will cease

if you make it

conscious

 

eroding away

glacial lengths

of time

etches in

 

holding back

time and lies

cracks appear

daily now

 

resisting words

thoughts, feelings

truths & realities

i lie for the liar

 

resisting is like

the air i breathe

knowing no

difference

 

trudging and pushing

further away

from the truth

and the pain

 

wading in to

the river

of my

perception

 

eddying and

crashing into

rocks and

undertows

 

this i am used to

i know how to

struggle and

keep it up

 

exhausted from

the stories

hiding from

the lies

 

at this point

i’m the only one

i’m hiding from

and lying to

 

no one cares

where i’m from

or what

i’ve been through

 

the past

doesn’t make

me who

i truly am

 

the lies

never dictated

the truth

never once

 

i resist

out of habit

i resist

not knowing better

 

like i can

hold back

the ocean

with my tiny self

 

within this body

lies a lifetime

worth[y]  of

agony and pain

 

things i came

to believe

words that

i made true

 

 

 

wolf medicine

Image

 

a dream

a knowing

 

but first

coyote

 

a drive thru

the woods

across the road

coyote ran

 

weeks later

i’m asleep

dreaming of

a forest

 

i came upon

a paper wolf

picked it up

just like a map

 

the creases

fell in

to fold itself

yet

 

as i held it up

the paper went

right thru

my body

 

from front to rear

on my body

from top to 

bottom was the wolf

 

head on my shoulder

my constant companion

perfect

medicine

 

1/1/12