not me

Image

 

harder

and even

more

difficult

 

the hiding

the lying

the acting

as if

 

i see 

your secrets

i feel

your lies

 

the price

paid

was my 

innocence

 

now allows

me to

see your 

humanity

 

but that’s

alright

keep distracting

yourself

 

i know

distraction

all

too well

 

i’ve been the

master,

the queen

no one wins

 

i will not

keep your

secret

any longer

 

makes me

fat

and tired

and mean.

 

that’s not me.

Advertisements

a fevered pitch

Image

 

managing

to keep

it all

the same

 

no

don’t change

no

don’t look

 

don’t look

at this

don’t look

at that

 

diamonds

in the

rough

i’m certain

 

senseless

beauty

senseless

abuse

 

doctoring

coping

screaming

on the inside

 

shows up

on the 

outside

disgracing the pact

 

going back

coming

forward,

stuck.

 

conscious 

decisions

to delete this

permanent hell

 

feeling fear

deeper

than ever

relief in sight

 

make friends

with it

gonna be around

for a while

 

11/7/13

i see.

Image

the deafening sounds

you keep in

deserts deep and dry

engorged in the pretend silence

whispering in my ears

 

screaming with your eyes

lakes around the world

dry up and ache for you

cracked earth reminds 

me of my heart

 

you’ve hidden it all so well

in a pocket here

trapped in a muscle there

insane

from the rage

 

roaring in pain

relinquishing control

it all stands

quietly

in the corner of my eye

 

9/23/10

newly etched

Image

 

it falls away

down the drain

not needed

anymore

 

the fortress

the matchbox

prison of my 

last name

 

padded walls

and arteries

so warm 

too warm

 

choosing

continually

transmission

overhauled

 

let it down

let it go

like a

fallen angel

 

associating

in the real

with the new

connection made

 

8/21/13

grief undone

Image

 

i don’t know

it

and yet

my insides

 

are screaming

even my

outsides

are screaming

 

the squirrel 

in me

wants to

take over

 

distraction

dementia

delirium

dangling

 

a frayed knot

coming

undone…

afraid not!

 

it’s all

i am

at times

 

 

crabby-pants

Image

do these jeans

make me

look

crabby?

 

is it my

hair

or my lack

of smile

 

SMILE.

you should

smile

-really-

 

“people don’t

want to

see your

sad face”

 

if i smile

does it

make you

feel better

 

do i

make

you

feel

 

is it just

easier

for you

to blame me

 

pin it

on me

pick

on me

 

to call

me

a

dog

 

treat

me

like a

dog

 

yep

i’ve felt

crabby

in my life

 

game plan:

ditch

the

passive-aggressive bs

 

 

guard rails

Image

 

oh my god

hold on!!

what a ride

nothing to hold on to

 

screeching down 

the highway of life

what’s to stop me

oh….how about everything

 

everything stops me

oh wait……..

nothing stops me

nothing at all

 

nothing to fence me in,

nothing to give me 

boundaries

or limits

 

i have

really let

myself go

in all ways

 

no guard and

guards all around

so much that my

view is obscured

 

 

can’t see at all

so busy driving along

at breakneck speeds

all is lost at times

 

all or nothing

win or lose

nothing at all

hands free