grief undone

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i don’t know

it

and yet

my insides

 

are screaming

even my

outsides

are screaming

 

the squirrel 

in me

wants to

take over

 

distraction

dementia

delirium

dangling

 

a frayed knot

coming

undone…

afraid not!

 

it’s all

i am

at times

 

 

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guard rails

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oh my god

hold on!!

what a ride

nothing to hold on to

 

screeching down 

the highway of life

what’s to stop me

oh….how about everything

 

everything stops me

oh wait……..

nothing stops me

nothing at all

 

nothing to fence me in,

nothing to give me 

boundaries

or limits

 

i have

really let

myself go

in all ways

 

no guard and

guards all around

so much that my

view is obscured

 

 

can’t see at all

so busy driving along

at breakneck speeds

all is lost at times

 

all or nothing

win or lose

nothing at all

hands free

 

 

 

the lie

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the resistance

will cease

if you make it

conscious

 

eroding away

glacial lengths

of time

etches in

 

holding back

time and lies

cracks appear

daily now

 

resisting words

thoughts, feelings

truths & realities

i lie for the liar

 

resisting is like

the air i breathe

knowing no

difference

 

trudging and pushing

further away

from the truth

and the pain

 

wading in to

the river

of my

perception

 

eddying and

crashing into

rocks and

undertows

 

this i am used to

i know how to

struggle and

keep it up

 

exhausted from

the stories

hiding from

the lies

 

at this point

i’m the only one

i’m hiding from

and lying to

 

no one cares

where i’m from

or what

i’ve been through

 

the past

doesn’t make

me who

i truly am

 

the lies

never dictated

the truth

never once

 

i resist

out of habit

i resist

not knowing better

 

like i can

hold back

the ocean

with my tiny self

 

within this body

lies a lifetime

worth[y]  of

agony and pain

 

things i came

to believe

words that

i made true

 

 

 

cr-cr-crocitation

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crocitation

    def: the croaking of frogs or ravens

 

unnerved by

your groaning

amused by

your inconsistency

 

enormous presence

in your absence

even in your

current state

 

you suck the life

out of the room

your band of angels

dancing your drama

 

inflicting times past

unaware of your self

your addiction

burns it all down

 

your ashes

i will toss to the wind

taking with it

the scars you created

 

unleash the frogs and the ravens…

let the crocitation begin!!