miss guided

Image

 

because of you

i went deeper

so deep

i almost lost my self

 

because i lost you

i went deeper

so deep

i have found myself

 

elevated

raised up

profound

having found  me

 

multiple trips

down the

rabbit hole

transmogrifies

 

every twist

every turn

transforms

what was once grotesquely me

 

 

1/2014

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fierce light

Image

 

i’m in an incubator

anxiously chipping away

at the candy-coated shell

 

an armor of hard won

beliefs that were and

are all incorrect

 

those last moments

of holding on to the

stale, disgusting air

that once imprisoned me

 

spinning in timeless-ness

seemingly never ending

another and another

just rest now…and wait

 

the work is finished

i lie here in a pile of newness

from the center is the only

real calm

 

tiny and fragile    

yet not contain-able

a sweet breeze

reminds me that i am still here

 

born to the truth

fierce light of my soul

my heart and my eyes

await the grand plug-in

 

 

(s)Mothered

Image

 

best of

my mom

the best

of me

 

i hid

that

from 

her

 

it’s what

she

denied

i denied her

 

blazing

a trail

no one

would see

 

I

hid

my boots

at the shop

 

like she hid

all her light

under a series

of bushels

 

disjointed x3

disconnected

disarmed

disappointed

 

23 years

and i never

knew

who she was

 

only the

stories

i made up

the stories

i pieced together

 

legacy of

pain

legacy of

distortion

 

her best

was sharing

a cigarette

with me

 

her worst

too many

to count

criminal

 

bridging

the gaps

mining

the diamonds

 

another 

25 years

to clearly

see me

 

alone

alive

another

ace up my sleeve

 

mothering my mother

mothering my self

mothering my son

redefining the Mother

 

being

just being

fogging up

the mirror

 

an old

message of love

stares me down

i. am.

 

11/11/13

PaLaCe ConStruCtion

Image

zeroing in

counting on you

talking to

myself

 

restoration

of a being

a woman

a human

 

stripping away

the tapes

the outdated

modes of play

 

tearing down

harnessed walls

erected facades

neglected backdrops

 

curating

a new scene

selecting a 

brand new oxygen

 

daring to

tell you

all about it…

maybe

 

piece by piece

scene by scene

the matchbox

reconstructed

 

matchbox

to matchbox

my PaLaCe

inspired by Mr.Harrison

 

i welcome you

to my PaLaCe

of being

small and LaRgE

 

whatever.   you are

 

here we go

Image

 

feeling pushed away

feeling disconnected

a slow build of perceived separation

feeling totally misunderstood

 

this is an end for me

always has been

a feeling of

completion

 

a rage, a reaction

a huge response

kick all the

dust up into the air

 

thick, dense

choking on the 

emptiness of

fuck you

 

boarded up

actual wood

across what was

once an entrance

 

closed for business

light never ever

enters this

room again

 

gale force

winds turn

into gale

force moods

 

an end and

a beginning

simultaneously

occur without warning

 

 

 

4/2/09 Th

not me

Image

 

harder

and even

more

difficult

 

the hiding

the lying

the acting

as if

 

i see 

your secrets

i feel

your lies

 

the price

paid

was my 

innocence

 

now allows

me to

see your 

humanity

 

but that’s

alright

keep distracting

yourself

 

i know

distraction

all

too well

 

i’ve been the

master,

the queen

no one wins

 

i will not

keep your

secret

any longer

 

makes me

fat

and tired

and mean.

 

that’s not me.

a fevered pitch

Image

 

managing

to keep

it all

the same

 

no

don’t change

no

don’t look

 

don’t look

at this

don’t look

at that

 

diamonds

in the

rough

i’m certain

 

senseless

beauty

senseless

abuse

 

doctoring

coping

screaming

on the inside

 

shows up

on the 

outside

disgracing the pact

 

going back

coming

forward,

stuck.

 

conscious 

decisions

to delete this

permanent hell

 

feeling fear

deeper

than ever

relief in sight

 

make friends

with it

gonna be around

for a while

 

11/7/13